The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.....

Well the past few days have been pretty rough. I have a cold and Mark is in pretty bad shape right now. So, we are barely functioning at the moment. I did manage to clean up the kids bedroom the other day. It was a HUGE pit and took me most of the morning to do, but it is sooo much better right now. I sorted through all their toys and threw away lots of broken stuff. And put alot of them in thier "toy'' drawers. They have some plastic drawers and we seperated out things like blocks and leggos and put them in one drawer. Hannah's is pink and Caleb is primary colors. Hannah has the teeny beenie babies in her top drawer, her cooking toys in the middle and her tiny dolls and barbies in the bottom. Caleb has all his yugio dragons and cards in his top drawer, other small toys he likes in the middle and the blocks and leggos in the bottom. I found that if I got all these small toys seperated and where they could find them and not in the bottom of the big toy box, they were more likely to play with them. So this works really well for them. I let the bedroom go all summer, so I had to go through the big toy box and sort all the stuff out again cuz all the little things had gotten dumped back in there. I also had to dig a TON of stuff out from under the bed. But it's now done and it will be much easier to deal with for the school year like this.

I'm sick, and tired, and don't want to do anything today. I get pretty upset cuz Mark feels free to go to bed whenever he feels like it. Not that I have a problem with him sleeping, it's just that I don't have that freedom unless Emma is sleeping too. It's hard. I layed down at around 10 and she came back and would not leave me alone so I could rest. So, since she woke up so early, I nursed her and she actually fell asleep. So I was able to sleep for about an hour, then he came and woke me up to ask if I wanted anything from the store while he was out getting Hannah from kindergarted....well, I could not get back to sleep after that. I have a real hard time getting to sleep most of the time and him waking me didn't help me at all!!! Oh well.........I really shouldn't complain. I don't do that much anyway.

Well, I'm going to try to go get something done. I don't feel like it. But I need to at least try. Later, Kai.

Tears for trees

I am not really sure why, but I am still really upset about the tree. I layed in bed last night and just cried. Of course it is not the tree, really, but my sons heart break that has me so upset. That and the lack of control I feel in my life. I cried and prayed telling God how tired I am of living this way and begging for some kind of change for the better. My faith is waining really bad right now....I feel so empty, tired and alone. This isn't new for me, but it is really deep right now....deeper than it has been in a long time. It isn't that I am ungrateful for what I do have, it is just that the way things are right now, it is too hard. I can't turn back the clock and change things that I wish were different.....and I can't see the future to make good decisions on now....so what do I do? Almost every major decision we have made in our life has seemed to be the wrong one. We are again thinking on a major thing and don't know if it is the right thing or not. No matter how much praying I do on something, I never feel a definite answer one way or another. I just go with my gut most of the time. I feel so abandoned and alone. I don't want much, really I don't. I just want enough to not have to worry anymore. To be able to have a little put back for a rainy day and maybe some for retirement. A house that is big enough, but not opulent. A vehicle that runs well and enough money to care for it.
I know Marks emotional problems aren't his fault. But I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make them go away so he could keep a job for more than a year. So he could make a better life for us all. I wish I knew what to do, if anything, to help. I am again putting my nose to the gind stone to get the house in shape again, but I don't know if that is enough. How do I be the kind of wife he needs, so he can be the kind of man he is ment to be? I don't have alot of energy. I am just not sure I can be the superwoman that is needed for a man to be successful. I know there are men that do it on their own, but what is that saying....."Behind every great man there stands a great woman." Welll, I am FAR FAR from a great woman...so what do I do to help him? I have lost soooooo much faith. Faith in God, and Faith in Life. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I have to be honest. I love my husband, I really really do. And I want more than anything for him to be happy...even more than my own happiness. Mainly because I know that if he were happy, I'd be happy. So....what in the world do I do??? Kai

Off again for another year!

Well....it was back to school yesterday. Can you say.... "YIPEE!!!!" Not that I don't love my kids. I do...I love them alot, but it is nice to get a break. I have concidered homeschooling, but I just decided I couldn't handle it. I don't get a break at all from this house or kids in general, so having them at school is a nice break for me. Besides....I can't keep the house clean, what makes me think I could handle homeschool...right???

Caleb started 2nd grade. I can't believe how big he has gotten!! How grown up he seems now. He is really excited about being able to go to the Gifted Class all year instead of just the last few weeks. He is REALLY smart and I am sooo proud of him. Hannah started Kindergarten. She is in half day morning class. So she gets to eat breakfast in the morning with her Bubby. She is sooo thrilled!!!

And Joshua is now a Junior in High School. I can't believe in 2 short years he will be graduated, 18 and, if he wants, off on his own. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to stay here longer. And he will ALWAYS have a place to live. I would really like to see him have some kind of schooling or vocational training before he went out on his own. I know he isn't going to go on a mission, but I would like to know he can take care of his own needs before he leaves. He is sooooooo anxious to get out on his own. He is going to be in for a rude awakening when get finds out what the REAL world is all about.

Anyway, I sayed with Hannah in her first day of Kindergarden yesterday and helped the teacher. I did the same thing with Caleb. It is a nice way to make sure they are ok and to help the teacher through the first day. Hannah went to preK last year, so she doesn't have a problem going to school at all. I was worried about Caleb since he didn't go to preK, but he did just fine too. So, anyway...it was good I went to help. One little boy's nose started to bleed while we were taking a tour of the school and I helped him so the teacher, Mrs. Parks, could deal with the other kids. It was alot of fun!!!! But they are on their own today. I took the kids to school and helped Hannah with her breakfast. But left after that. I may do that for a couple more days, but she needs to do it on her own soon. She can be kinda inattentive to details, so I want to make sure she understands what to do. Caleb doesn't have a whole lot of patiences with her.

Well...off to work on the laundry mountain in the back hall. I sure hope that I can make a bigger dent today. It has really gotten away from me lately and I feel like I need a chair and whip to tame it again. LOL Anyway, more later. Kai

Symptom of a larger problem

I'm sitting here balling and it started because the park is cutting down the only tree in our yard. The kids LOVE that tree. They climb in it, they sit in it's shade and enjoy it's ambiance. I am sooooo sad about this that I can hardley stand it. It just broke Caleb's heart when he found out his "swinging monkey tree" was gonna be gone. He cried and cried and is just so upset about it. I promised him that some day we would have a nice big house of our very own with a big tree and yard to have a puppy in. This is just what happened with Lucky all over again. When the other park wanted us to get rid of him. It just killed Josh. Luckily, my inlaws took him in and we get to see him whenever we want.
Thing is....this is just a symptom of a larger problem. It isn't really the loss of the tree that has me so upset...it is only a tree afterall. What I'm most upset with is the fact that we have no control over the situation. It's not our land, not our tree. The park owner can do whatever they want with it. If we had a life that would afford us a home of our own we wouldn't have to worry about things like this. I am tired of begging for help from the state and the church. I'm tired of living a half life. I'm tired of telling the kids no all the time because we can't afford something they want or want to do. Not that I would give them everything they want all of the time, but it would be nice to let Hannah have dance lessons and Caleb be able to take violin. Josh has never been able to be in a sport or do anything he has wanted either. I wish I knew what road to take. I wish there was something, ANYTHING I could do to make a better life for my children. I feel so useless. Kai

BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

Well, kids start back to school this week. On Thursday. So, I have to spend the next couple days getting all ready for it. They are pretty much ready, but I do need to get laundry all done up so they have clean clothes. So that is my #1 priority for now. LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY!!! Since it is kinda rainy and overcast here right now it won't be too bad to run the dryer. So I suppose that is a good thing.

To be honest, I am kinda torn. I am ready for them to get back to school again, but at the same time I always feel a little bit of sorrow when they do. They drive me crazy in the summer, but I miss them when they go back to school. I will still have Emma home and it'll be nice to spend some one on one time with her again. And Hannah is only in half day. But the house feels so empty when they are all gone to school. I sure don't know what I am going to do when they all move out on their own. I know that is the ultimate goal, but it will be VERY hard for me. I have spent my life caring for them and my world centers on them. What am I going to do with myself when I no longer have to take care of everyone else? Oh I am sure I will figure it out when the time comes.... I figured it out...by the time Emma is 18 I will have had kids in my house for 33 years. I think I will probably be ready for a break by then...LOL.

Anyway...to anyone reading this...please pray that my husband finds a job soon. We have help and we are ok, but he needs to find something full time with good pay soon so we can have what we need for birthdays and Christmas. Along with being able to pay our bills. I am starting to get really worried and stressed out about it all.

Well, off to do more laundry. More later, Kai!!

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

This sounds about right to me...LOL! .....

You are a Concrete Random thinker. You are Quick,
Curious, Innovative, Adventurous, Intuitive,
and Instinctive.

What you do best is: Seeing many options and
solutions, Contributing creative ideas,
Visualizing the future, Accepting many kinds of
people, Thinking fast on your feet, and Taking
risks.

You do not do well when trying to: Write formal
reports, Follow routines, Re-do anything once
its already done, Keep detailed records, and
Choose only one answer.

You prosper when: Using insight and instinct to
solve problems, Working with general time lines
rather than specific deadlines, Using real life
experience to learn, Trying something yourself
rather than taking other peoples word for it,
Working for compelling reasons, and Motivated
by being Inspired.

What style of thinking are you?
brought to you by

Killer Headache from HELL

Well....I have a MAJOR migrane today. Sooo not fun. It started last night and got worse durring the day. I have been taking Excedrin to quell it a bit and some antihistamine incase it is allergy related. It is at a dull roar right now, but any physical activity makes it worse. I am supposed to go school shopping with my inlaws this evening, but I am not sure I can take it. I really hope it quiets down soon. I really would like to get this shopping over with.

Mark discovered yesterday that he was supposed to have his appeal for the denial on his unemployment no later than 10 days after the decision was mailed, and he put it off and put it off and he turned it in yesterday 22 days after the mailing...I am really a bit irritated. I am sure that if he got it in in time he woulda won cuz after reading the reason for the decision it seems they didn't get what Mark told them right. SOOOO we are praying that they will look at it anyway and give him a chance to explain and maybe, just maybe, we can get it all fixed, and have some money to work with soon.
That's all for now....later gater. Kai

Getting ready for back to school

Well it has been a hard week. I am trying to get the house put back together and back into shape for the upcomming school year starting back on August 18th. We got on Food Stamps to help with our food needs until Mark is working again. But we have NO cash in our pockets or comming in. So his parents are going to help us with school supplies. I hate to ask, but I don't know what else to do. It's that or send them to school with nothing. I don't know if they are getting any clothes or not, but I will find out tomorrow. Josh really needs shoes and some jeans. The others can start with the clothes that they have. But Josh really needs some shoes and pants. I am SOOOOO stressing about it!

Nothing yet

Well, Mark is still unemployed. After 4 interviews with Union Bank in El Reno, they called him monday and told him thanks but no thanks. He was livid! Why in the world would you interview someone 4 times then NOT hire them??? That makes no sense at all!!! So he is at another interview right now and is going to go to 7-11 and see about maybe hiring on there. They start at 10 an hour and we need money!!! We can't keep going like this too much longer. He would SOOO rather stay in banking, but what can you do? No one seems to want to hire him. I, honestly, think his skipping around from job to job is REALLY starting to hurt him. The longest he's been at a job in the last 11 years is 2 years. I think employers are looking at his resume and thinking, "Why hire this guy? He isn't gonna stay here." It really has me worried. I hate to see him go back to retail. He really likes working at in banking. It has more prestege for him and MUCH better hours. He can have Sundays off for sure and all the weird federal holidays and know that he has Thanksgiving and Christmas off! You don't get that in retail.

We got on Food Stamps. I'm not to proud of it, but we didn't have a choice. The church food is ok, but it isn't enough. You can live on it, but it is extremely limiting. I am not ungrateful at all... It's just nice to be able to get more than one cold cerial. I was amazed at the amount they gave us. I NEVER spend that kind of money in a month on food!!! I can actually shop for stuff we like instead of settling for what we can afford...LOL. I still find myself bargin shopping though. I can't see buying name brand cerial when you can get generic or the bag stuff for about half the cost. I still want my money, all be it FS, to go as far as it can. I told Josh the other day that I'd be a really bad rich person, cuz I could never spend $100,000 on a watch or vehicle. It just isn't in me. I have spent to long being frugel that I could never just blow money like that. Not sure if that is a good thing or not...LOL.

School is just around the corner. It starts on Aug. 18th. I am hoping Marks parents will help us with supplies, but am not too sure if they will or not. I am stressing big time about it. They may just have to start without. I am anxious for school to be back though. I am ready to get back into a regular routine again. Since I no longer have daycare kids, I am much less stressed now. And that's nice. I don't think I will EVER do that again. I can handle my own kids, but dealing with someone elses is just too much for me. I am glad to be done with it. Now just to figure out how to get what we need for the kids to go back to school in a few days. I suppose we can ask the bishop, but I am not sure he can help with this. Oh well......it'll work out somehow...it always does.

Off for now. Need to get busy. Kai

Looking up.....sort of

Well...Mark had an interview this week. He took a bank in El Reno his app and resume and they called him back within an hour to set an interview the next day. He had that interview and the day after it they called him and wanted him to come in to interview with the bank director as soon as he could get there....so that looks promising. I sure hope it pans out cuz we have no dough and I hate that!!! Everything is taken care of except for our cable bill, but I still hate it when I have no money. Even if it were just a few dollars. I am not being shallow.....it is just a security thing for me. I sure hope he calls the unemployment agency to day to start the ball rolling on the appeal of the denial of benifits.

Not to much else to say right now.....gonna go and try to get busy. I haven't done much the past few days due to my depression being so bad lately. So...off too attempt to clean. Kai

Revenge of the Possom

The other night I was woke by a rustling sound in the sacks of give away clothes I have on my bedroom floor. Wasn't sure what it could be, so I turned the light on and got a HUGE fright. There, at the foot of my bed, was a POSSOM! Can anyone say EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!! OR....YUCK!!! It looked like a huge rat. I got Mark and he chased it around the bedroom with a blanket trying to catch it and get it out of the house. He just couldn't get ahold of it. It went back behind the built in drawers and disapeared. I think that is where it may have come in. We haven't seen it since. Which I am extremely grateful for.

Well.....Mark was denied his unemployment benifits because of the reason he left his job. He had given the bank notice that he would be looking for a new job and that he would let then know when he was leaving, so....they "let him go". I consider it being fired, but I guess the Unemployment agency doesn't. We are going to appeal. I sure hope it works, cuz I have no clue how we are gonna pay our cable bill or get the kids school supplies and clothes. Caleb and Hannah can start without clothes, but Josh can't. He really needs some jeans and shoes. I am gonna talk to the bishop, but I don't know what he can do. We'll see.

That's all for now. To upset to say much more. Kai

Off to scrap

As a reward for doing so well last week I am going to a friends to scrapbook!!! WITHOUT KIDS!!! That's a big YEAH!!!! I usually have to take them with me and it is a huge headache, but since Mark isn't working right now, I am gonna leave them here with him and actually get to enjoy myself for once. Spent most of the morning and part of last evening putting together some layout ideas.....so hopefully I will get more than 2 pages done. I'm looking forward to it a bunch!!!

Missed church yesterday. I was in too much pain to go. I really over did it last week. But I really would like to keep the ball rolling and get more of the house put together like it should be. Kids room REALLY needs to be gone through. I may even break down and paint it.....it needs that alot too. They want it to be yellow with rainbow hand prints all over...we shall see! I would really like to get rid of alot of their old toys...again...we shall see if I can get away with it!

Well....I need to feed the kids, change a butt and get everything all packed up to go to Jennifers! So...short today, but I didn't wait 3 months and that's a plus. More soon. Kai

Been a while....

I am bad about keeping up with shit like this!!! I don't do journals well. I'm bad at writing letters, so it's no surprise it's been like 3 months since my last entry. Oh well, I ain't making any promises to do any better. If I do, I know I won't. So, no promises.

Emmaleigh had her first birthday on April 30th. It is amazing to me how fast time flys. When I was a kid it seemed forever for a year to revolve around. The span between Christmas and birthdays was like an eon. Now.....I turn around and am putting together another kids birthday party or sewing Halloween costumes.....AGAIN!!! Or pulling out Christmas decorations, and it seems I just put them away last week. We had a party at the park for both Emma and Josh...he turned 16 on April 27th, so it was easier to do it all at once. We had a weinie roast with all the trimmings. Also had cake and ice cream for the birthday kids. Emma made a HUGE mess.... which was expected. And Josh had a few of his friends come. Fun was had by all. Now it is time to think of Hannah's 6th comming up in October and also start looking at fabric and patterns for Halloween. The kids want to do Peter Pan. Caleb is going to be Peter, of course. Hannah is going to be Wendy and Emmaleigh will be Tinkerbell. Should be fun, but if I am gonna do it, I need to start planning now, or I will end up crazy in the end!!! I already have fabric in the form of an old prom dress for tinkerbell. It is the exact right green color, so I am just gonna cut it apart and use it instead of paying for new fabric.

Speaking of fabric....I spent two days this past week organizing and cleaning my bedroom. What does that have to do with fabric, you ask??? Well...the biggest part of the mess was all my craft and sewing supplies. Tons of fabric and materials that were all over the place from me looking for stuff then not putting it all back together again. Well.........NO MORE!!! I went through all the boxes, seperated everything, and put things with like things so I can find what I need. Then I replaced all the crunched up old boxes that have no tops or don't shut with better boxes. That way I could stack them all neatly in one corner of the room. Then I got rid of the old crib and put the toddler bed up next to my bed for Emma to sleep in. That way Mark can come to bed with me if he wants. Not that he will, I expect. But that is for another entry.......or maybe not. Anyway, I feel better now that I got something accomplished. Took me two freakin days, but it got done and that's what is important.

Went to the store a bit ago and got the stuff to make some kids Gorp. Haven't made any of that in a super LONG time. Just got simple stuff.....some Dinosaur Ritz, prezle sticks, fruity mini marshmellos and M&M's. Quick and easy.....kids got a kick out of it. Thought it'd be fun to take with to church tomorrow for snack. Emma keeps picking the marshmellows and M&Ms out of it though...LOL. Smart baby!!! Lets see....the Ritz were 2.50, prezzles 1.00, Marshmellows were .77 cents, and M&M's were 3.00. So, altogether it cost me $7.27 for 2 gallon bags full of snack mix. Not cheap...woulda been better to get a dollar bag of chocolate chips and maybe a dollar box of cheese crackers that would have saved me like 3$, but I'll do that next time. It was fun to make and the kids like it alot. It will be nice to have for when I have Dusten and Samantha.

Speaking of Dusten and Samantha.....I haven't had them for the past 2 weeks. Don't know if I'll have them next week or not. Haven't heard from their mom. It has been a nice break. But that means less money on pay day. But we'll deal! I sure hope Mark finds another job soon. He lost his job a couple of weeks ago...thank GOD for unemployment. That kicks in next week....if all goes well.

Well, time to make dinner and get kids ready for church tomorrow...FUN FUN FUN!!! More to come....if all goes well. Kai

UGH

Yesterday was another bad day. My head hurt sooo much from coughing so hard all day I couldn't even think by the time Mark got home from work. He took the kids to get pizza for dinner as I couldn't get my butt up to make any. I still haven't figured out what to make today. I am going to go to the store here in a bit and see what I can come up with. I have been so down lately that I just don't want to do anything at all. I want to curl up in a corner and just disapear. I am not sure what my problem is. I go in these spurts where I just want to spaz out and get everything done. Then there are days I can't even get my butt off the couch. Unfortunately the later is more common. I think right now it is cuz I have been sick with this damn head crap for so long. One of these days I will get my shit together and have a livable home and a happy family instead of a shit hole and cranky family. Oh well...I need to get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to cut out junk food and soda as much as possible and am jonesing for some so bad it isn't funny. I may break down and have 1 coke later. I don't know. I am sick of beign fat as well as everything else. Not sure if I should care or not. Pretty sure Mark would rather puke than touch me...so I suppose I should do something. Well...off I go to get the girls to school and make a trip to Wally World. Kai

Rough days

The past few days have been rough. I have a sinus infection and don't feel well. I didn't make it to church, and am dissapointed about that. We had to get rid of the dead Ford that has been sitting on our parking pad for the last 2 years. That was a crisis, but it is over now. Pull Apart paid us $75 for it, so we have that $ to work with now.
I am trying to get a party together for Josh and Emma's birthdays and wondering where the money for that is going to come. I am doing a picnic in the park. We are going to BBQ hot dogs and the kids are going to have a water fight. They love doing that! Josh is turing 16 and it'll be Emma's first birthday. I made up an invitation to it, but Josh doesn't want to give it to his friends. I am kinda bummed about that. Oh well...he's a teenager. What can I say. I already got him his present. We got him a membership to the gym. That is all he's gonna get. Not sure what I am gonna get Emmers yet. I am sure I will figure something out.
Well....off I go to try to accomplish something today. Later Gater.

Saturday is a special day....

Well today is a busy day. We got up and going early and cashed my check from Loretta. Then made a trip to Sam's club...LOVE THAT PLACE!!! Anyway got some things there we needed along with come reduced pork ribs so we are having those bbq'ed in the oven with some oven fries and broccoli. Easy peasy. I am having a rough allergy day...so is everyone....especially Emma. Have had to give her her inhailer lastnight and this morning. I feel so bad she is having such a hard time. I haven't been able to keep her well for more than a week all winter. I hope she gets better and stays better soon.
Marks new dosage of medicine is kicking in now and he is in a pretty good mood today. I am so grateful for modern medicine. He is fixin' to go to the store for me to get me some boxes so I can work on straightening my bedroom and get ready to have a yard sale soon. We have toooooo much JUNK around here and it is time to go through it and get rid of some!
Next chore is to find and prepare church clothes for tomorrow. I am hoping to make it this week. I am not 100% sure yet. It depends on how MEE MEE feels. I have been having a difficult time making it to church the past several months cuz of one sick person or the other. As long as she isn't coughing too bad I think I am going to go ahead and go. So off to make sure everyone's clothes are all washed and pressed. Kai

Snickerdoodles

UGGGGHHHH.....Baking up a storm! I made a lemon bunt cake with a lemon glaze and garnished with lemon twists for Caleb to give to PSO for the spring fling. Now I am in the middle of baking a double batch of Snickedoodles for Hannah to take. Everyone seems to really like my snickerdoodles and I had everything I needed for them....Except I used margarine instead of butter...They are better with butter, but I don't think kids will tell the diff. So I am still baking but only have one batch to put in the oven. It is 11...That means time to feed the girls and get them ready for school. Have no clue what to make for lunch. Probably grilled cheese. Works for me. Plus Sammy likes em and will eat em. Sooooo....grilled cheese it is. I should get back. Need to try to do up the dishes before Mark gets home. Kai

Round and Round we go...

Had a rough/bad night again! Went to bed at 9:30 but didn't get Emma to lay down until after 10. That was ok, but I woke at somewhere around 2 and didn't get back to sleep until after 5:30. Then had to get up to get S&D at 6:30....then Caleb up and off at 7:30. Needless to say I am dragin tail today! I took the boys to school today so I could pick up a cake mix at WM. The school is having their Spring Fling tomorrow and 1st graders need to bring a cake and PreK needs cookies. So I will be baking all morning. That, ironing marks shirt, getting cake in oven and getting caffine in me is all I have done so far. Emmie is still asleep so I should get off this thing and make up snickerdoodle dough! BUT I DON'T WANNA!!! What I really want to do is go back to bed, but that ain't gonna happen any time soon I suppose. I have to get the cake and cookies done before I take the girls to school at 12:30....so off I go I guess. Later Gater!

Taking a Crap

I just love not being able to take a crap in peace. I understand it is all part of being the MOMMY, but couldn't I at least have the human dignity of going to the toilet alone once in a while. I take her with me most of the time and when I make her sit on the floor she screams at me and when I let her come to me she puts her face or hands in my crotch! I leave her out the door and she screams at me through it. So irritating. I can't even cook in peace...she is at my heals and knees fussing and in my way. If Josh is here and not busy he will hold her for me, but otherwise I am tripping over her and worried about hurting her....is there no end? How do I deal with this clingon?

One Good Loookin' Guy...Joshua Joseph-Mark 15 1/2